To quote Dr. Seuss, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

That's how I feel about status snobs.

That's such a great quote!

Cute...AND smart! Love this!!

Thank you for this jcent. I really, really, REALLY, needed to read this today.

My daughter, who's 5 and only in kindergarten, today was distraught when I was combing her hair for school. I asked what was wrong (I wasn't pulling on knots, so I was confused about her mood), she said "Please make me look pretty Mommy. Sarah and Lucy (not their real names) LAUGH at me and said I'm not pretty!"

Um, what the heck? I've never raised her to think thoughts to that. We tell her she's beautiful (because she is, inside and out. She's such a beautiful old soul, it's breathtaking to watch her grow), but we are very careful to ALWAYS mention she's clever, or funny, or talented at whatever she's showing us, etc. Likewise, when she's being a jerk, we tell her straight. I don't sugarcoat. If I'm honest when she's being a jerk, she can trust when I tell her she's talented or kind. (That's just my philosophy)

But "pretty" shouldn't be in the vocabulary of a kindergartener. I know "Sarah's" mom... she's at her wits end trying to figure out how to help her daughter who is obsessed with being 'pretty', and throws regular tantrums about not being pretty enough to go to school. So I know the little girl acted out of insecurity when addressing my daughter.

But when someone ELSE'S insecurity starts getting shoved off onto my daughter - at this young of an age... it's time for me to mention it to the parents. Those parents need to deal with it. It's not ok that their daughter is so insecure, but it's even MORE upsetting that it's already culminating in being judgemental, and turning into a bully. (Weird, but the mother is nothing like the daughter in this respect)

Anyway, sorry to get OT. Jcent, I think DH and I are going to sit down with DD and explain to her tonight about renting her looks. It's a good way to put it.

I am sorry Dayna! What a horrible situation. I have an acquaintance that went through a horrible time with her DD when she was around 5 and they had to remove all the mirrors from their home eventually. Who knows how her 5 year old went down such a distructive path, but it was unhealthy and totally fixated her outward appearance. This was years ago, long before kids were on my radar, but I thought it odd at the time, to say the least.

We do the same thing with my DD. Smart, funny, helpful, kind, caring....We use all those words to compliment her, but never pretty or beautiful. She hears it enough from strangers. I get it, it is nice to give compliments and they don;t know her well enough to say something else, but trying to teach young girls about value and self esteem is a hard thing these days as they are bombarded with images of beauty an hear about it everywhere. We also praise my DD for beng a good eater, lol. She isn't really, but when she does eat it makes me happy and I want her to do it more. Because of her Celiac's, she has never really gotten into eating, and I think ahead and am so concerned. It seems easy for her not to eat... When she starts to care about things like weight, I don't want her to think no food is the answer.

Good luck with your DD tonight. I think it is a conversation that is required over and over; just when you think you are getting somewhere she will hear something from another source and it will confuse her again.

I can't imagine NOT telling my DD she is beautiful/pretty. Of course she is!! Most little girls want to think they are pretty. If you never tell them it seems logical they will look for other people to affirm it and use THAT definition to define themselves. DD was pretty when she had bed head and when she was all dressed up and when she had spaghetti in her hair and when she fell and had a scar on her face, etc. Don't you want to think you are pretty/beautiful/attractive when you look in the mirror?

The key is to help them understand that everyone is beautiful/pretty. Of course beauty is much more than we see on the outside and there are much more important qualities to a person than appearance but little girls still want to be 'pretty'.

I recall some conversations with DD. In one we happened to be at a home improvement store (these conversations happen in the strangest places!). I took her to the paint section where I asked her to find a green paint sample. She pointed one out but said that all of the others in that section were green too. Yes! There isn't ONE way to be pretty just like there isn't just one GREEN. Another time we talked about flowers. Which flowers are pretty? They are all pretty even though they are different shapes, sizes, colors, have different purposes (talents), bloom in different seasons, originate on different continents, etc.

Being pretty isn't bad or something we should not tell our daughters. It also can't be specifically defined. I think they NEED to hear it from us before they start believing the definition they hear from other little girls or looking to women in magazines to help them define it.

So if that was my daughter who asked if I could make her pretty the answer would have been that, like a flower, she is ALREADY pretty.

The other thing we did with both of the kids (DS didn't really care if he was pretty, lol) was to teach them how much to consider/personalize comments from others. We put it on a scale of 1-10. A 10 is a person who is very important to you, they love you unconditionally and want the best for you always. You love them and respect them in return.

A 1 is a person you don't know or barely know. They don't know you enough to love you or hate you. They are not important to you at all.

So, if someone who is a 10 tells you something you should consider their words carry much weight.

If a #1 person says something you can almost ignore it because they don't know you and you don't know them. Why should you put any weight to their words?

When someone said something to hurt their feelings we helped them place a number of importance on that person in their lives. We blew off anyone who ranked below a 5. From 5-8 we considered how much weight to give their words and if there was any truth to them. The neighbor kid (a #5)said you were being mean...were you being mean? Should you apologize or do something different?
A 10 carried much more weight and consideration.

It helped them not to take everything so seriously/personally all the time and also helped them evaluate when they really needed to act on something someone might say to them.

Some bratty little girl in kindergarten is certainly below a 5 and we don't need to consider what she says at all. She can't define 'pretty' any more than she can define 'green'.

That's how I handled this issue with DD. Today she is 17 and very self confident. She does not put emphasis on appearance over quality of character and she knows not to take to heart everything said to her by people who don't know her. I am very proud of the young woman she is and she is as beautiful as ever!!

My mom always tells me how beautiful she thinks I am. Its pretty annoying. I appreciate it... that doesn't boost my self esteem at all. I believe she does it because of my ED (I have had one for almost 10 years- ever since rehab she has insisted on telling me that - too bad my problem wasn't because I thought I was ugly..). I wish she would comment on my other attributes that I have. It's important for girls to realize that they are beautiful in their own unique way but also let them know how proud you are of their other characteristics too and I'm glad to see this happening with your daughters!

everyone has different experiences and different parenting values..

for us, we tell DD she is beautiful a lot..my mom was great A+...but i was not very confident as a child, i did feel i was pretty and smart, but never beautiful..so i didnt have the best self esteem...still dont.

the last thing i wanted was that for my DD, i want her to feel strong, smart, beautiful, and confident...we do emphasize how smart she is because she is very bright, and she is also empathetic to others feelings which is really a great trait...

the only time her super confidence slapped us in the face was in the first week of school (4 years old) when she stood up to a 7 year old boy who was trying to bully her on the bus...he ended up punching her in the head 4-5 times...thats a whole story of its own... blood starts boiling...

as long as she uses that confidence to make others around her feel good about themselves and be kind and empathetic then she'll be fine...i do realize that there are girls that will be mean and try to push others down, but so far she seems to be on the right path..

i think theres a big difference in saying this at 4 or at say 24...my mom says im beautiful all the time now too, but it doesnt make any difference or have any impact whatsoever on me either...

Yeah I feel bad saying it now but it just doesn't really mean anything and I know she is just doing it because she thinks that's what I want to hear. It's not at all. I'd rather hear something about graduating med school than if I look pretty. It's frustrating because I know she is just saying it. I don't blame her though, she was a model many many years ago and she is obsessed with beauty and is always fishing for compliments.. maybe she thinks I am too? Oh well.. she tries her best and that's what really matters!

Ps: I also think its funny how this thread is about diamond snobs and here I am talking about parenting! I love this forum.. it's just so easy to talk with all of you!