Long story short- We're 26 & 32, have been together for 2.5 years, living together for 2 years. We talk about children, growing old together, etc.. but when it comes specifically to marriage, he always makes "light" of it and I never really push for a serious discussion. (I could Dr. Phil it and say it's because he was engaged for 7 years before our relationship and she would never plan the wedding. So I think he's a bit burned from that experience)

Anyway-

I want to come up with a way to approach the subject in a fun, non-pressured way. I was thinking of doing a power point presentation.. totally cheesy with like 80s love songs playing in the background. I also want to educate him on moissanite during the slide show.

Is this an awful idea? Do you guys have any other suggestions to approaching it in a light hearted manner? Thank you!!

Yep, been there! DH and I met at 17 and were together for 8 years before we got married. Everytime I bought up marriage he made light of it too. For him, being the product of a horrific forced marriage and 2 selfish parents really burned him.

Anyway, I used to try and get on the topic in a fun, lighthearted way too......but to him it was still pressure and no matter how you look at it, he wasn't going to propose until HE was ready and felt good about it. Once I completely backed off about the subject it happened lol.

Now, we have been married for 8 years! We were really young, so our story is a bit different but I think all guys really hate feeling the pressure and sometimes it makes them dig in their heels!

BUT, with all that being said, I think perhaps making sure he will ever want to get married is important if its a dealbreaker for you. Some guys just don't want to and that's something I would want to know!!

I don't know. I wouldn't say it's an awful idea. But I personally would find it difficult to have a lighthearted conversation about something so serious.

If he takes it in a lighthearted way, his "lighthearted" or "off hand" response might hurt your feelings, since it's obvious that it's a topic of some importance to YOU. He may just go with a lighthearted response to it, and not realize how serious you are? Only you know his personality, and what he'd find funny, but no matter how much effort you put into it, you can't control his response.

I'd say just be prepared to have to say by the end of your presentation, "I would like to discuss marriage. I know this makes you uncomfortable, but I want to have a conversation about it, where we can both air our feelings on it. If you want to have some time to think about it and what you'd like to say, then lets set aside a specific day/time to talk about it. No pressure, just honest conversation so we can get one the same page."

I hope everything works out for you!

Opinions will vary wildly here... I tend to think a man will ask if and when wants to, and he doesn't need help or pushing. He may have a plan in mind, or he may not be ready yet.

If you want some moissy jewelry, like a rhr or earrings, get it for yourself, and educate him about moissy like that.

I know he wants marriage eventually via his drunk moments where he talks about how excited he to marry me, the moment where we say "I Do", our future family.. etc.

What you're saying makes complete sense. I know he's feeling the pressure from family/friends who keep asking about it.

And I actually want to completely back off but I don't want him thinking I want a 4,000 dollar ring from Kay's. So, I suppose my biggest dilemma is wanting to educate him about moissanite without pushing him. I know guys can get dooped by the diamond industry.

So, would some simple literature about moissanite and the statement of "Whenever you're ready, I want you to know that I'd like this type ring for these reasons" and completely back off?

Oh that's smart! I was just thinking how I'd like to get some earrings.

Men are funny creatures, with very delicate egos, lol. Too much "help" and they can feel like we are taking over or mothering them etc... Get the earrings, show him the site while looking at the earrings, *don't go on the engagement ring sections*, and say something like, "Isn't this great! No need for diamonds for this girl". Give him a little wink or something, then drop it. He isn't dunmb, he will know what you are saying

Agree 100%

Exactly! I want him to know that I'm not "taking over" or trying to be a control freak.

I just really would love to be a part of the ring shopping experience. I would rather him propose to me with an empty ring box and us get the ring together. I saw the last ring he picked out for his ex and it was awful. So let's all say a silent prayer that he does not get me a yellow gold, marquise diamond solitare. :shudders:

Moissanite co has a wish list, and Beth at Schubach's has a little file of the 2 rings that I like. My bf wanted a list so it's a bit different, but maybe you could e-mail him a moissaniteco 'wish list' with idea's for special occasions and an engagement ring. I generally agree that pressure for engagement isn't a good way to go. Also from what I'm reading it's important to you, so being lighthearted isn't fair to you either. Good luck

Some men may respond well and some might not!

Make sure you are prepared if he says "Im not in the mood, turn it off" You need to be emotionally prepared for that and be able to smile and say ok, we can talk about it later, in keeping with your light hearted theme.

I think what I just mentioned is how a light hearted theme can backfire. If you really want to become engaged, I think that maybe you should just tell him, in a sit down, hey Im serious kinda way. Not heavy or demanding at all though.

You ever notice how when you get in an argument, if someone comes in and yells, you yell louder etc... But if someone come in and quiets things down, you get calmer? The tone sets the mood and guides the flow of the conversation. If you present it in too light hearted of a way, he may not take you or know how serious you are.

I'm sorry, I read that you want to approach the subject; is proposing to HIM out of the question?

personally I don't think its wrong to tell your SO that its your goal to get married and have kids and that its something you want sooner than later. I had this conversation with my last SO. We are not together anymore so its obvious that it didn't work but I found out that he wasn't going to change his mind on the subject and him saying that for me showed it was time to move on. It wasn't fun but it was better than being stuck in a relationship with him still and not being any closer to getting married and having kids. Also I don't blame our conversation as the cause for us breaking up either, rather our incompatibility when it came to marriage and children. Sure you can wait and see if he will pop the question but you never know he might be "comfortable with the way things are" and not think your relationship needs to move on to that level. When I asked I was very blunt but thoughtful, I didn't try and hide the question or skirt around it. I don't think anyone should be ashamed or fearful to tell an SO what they want in life or a relationship.

If you are going to be married you both should be able to have the conversation directly, without being drunk. If that can't happen, if he won't discuss it seriously, if you have to prance around the conversation, if he won't talk about it until he's had a few...those are signals you should not ignore.

As for picking the ring, once it is determined that you will get engaged you can let him know that you want input into choosing your own ring. Again, not a big deal for two people who are ready to commit to a lifetime together.

Good advice, thank you. I'll plan on having "the talk" fairly soon over dinner. I'm just as bad as this as he is. I know that we should be having serious conversations and we do talk about future parenting styles/finances/shared goals etc but I'm never quite sure what to bring up in a marriage talk.

He knows that I want to marry him. If I bring up the conversation, I don't want to sound like I'm giving him an ultimatium. I suppose I could just approach it in a "When do you see yourself ready for marriage?" to open up the conversation.

(Sorry if I sound like I'm talking to myself.. I am

+++1

I come from a culture where "waiting for a man to propose" is not how you do things,so for me the whole "lady in waiting" thing is quite hard to understand.I could never just sit around,walking on eggshells to not pressure him,and just waiting for him to be ready or whatever.When I knew I wanted to get married,I just went to him and told him very clearly.I told him "I'm not joking,I'm extremely serious.I want to talk about this without you turning the conversation into a joke.I want to get married,and to get married soon.What do you think?".We talked about it,and a year later we were married.
Now,this obviously is different from your situation because our culture of marriage is very different,but to me,if you can't even talk freely about your feelings and get an honest answer,then there is something off that need to be addressed before marriage.
Now,you don't need to keep pushing the issue either,but have an honest,open talk about it together,and then just let him do his thing if it's in your culture and is important to you and him,is not only not too much to ask,but just the right thing to do if you plan to spend your lives together,imho.

I agree. My husband always made references to our future and "when we get married" and teased about it, but would never go through with it. He would just make some off handed joke when I asked if it was ever going to happen. So I took it upon myself! We do NOT live in the 50's anymore and we are more than capable of taking care of ourselves. Most of Work and aren't homemakers (unless by choice) and do more than just cook and clean. Most of us have asked a guy out, so why not ask "the question"?

I took us out for our Anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant and we talked about how great our relationship has been and what we looked forward to, and then just out of the blue I asked him! I didn't have a ring (though eventually I got him a nice ring that we refer to as his engagement ring), but asked him if he would marry me. HE SAID YES! Then we went and picked out my engagement ring!

The end result...we are happily married. Some day when we decide to renew our vowels ( I am thinking he is planning on next year) then I will get a re-proposal from him, but until then we are perfectly happy that I proposed. It is even somewhat of an ego booster with him from the guys.....he brags all the time that HIS woman loved him enough to propose to him instead of waiting for him to have to do it! lol

So moral of my story is that if you KNOW that it is something that you have talked about and know the he does have plans of eventually marrying but just hasn't done it yet, and you know you would really like to, would you not consider proposing yourself. A lot of women that I know waited forever for a ring, had never honestly thought about it themselves because it's so ingrained that the man has to ask the women.

I am totally new here but I wanted to post to encourage you to think about proposing to him as well. I had the same type of situation except my now husband didn't even have any convenient excuse other than saying he is a self-proclaimed lazy Gen-Xer. We had been together for over 5 years and living together for over 3! He is also a feminist and was totally open to a proposal. I knew this, but it was still very scary! I got him a cheap stainless steel ring and wrote a little comic book because that way I didn't have to say the words out loud and there would still be a cute story. (I think if more women propose they will see how scary it is -- even if you think you know the answer, suddenly it seems like it could go either way!) I had a lot of anxiety about what it said about our relationship (ie that he really didn't want to get married) and that even if it wasn't an ultimatum he would take it as one. There were many advantages: 1) I felt like I was in control of my own life instead of being driven insane by the "waiting game;" 2) Seeing his reaction to the proposal and how excited and happy he was allayed my fears that he didn't want to marry; 3) Everyone we know gave him a hard time about it in a good way which kind of helped me because they vented my frustrated for me! Absolutely no one we told thought he didn't want to marry me. Women that we told basically called me a rock star, and men and we told (including his family) told him he was very lucky. He tells people that he was thrilled (which is true) and that he said yes immediately because he might be lazy but he's not stupid!

Good luck with whatever you decide, I know how much anxiety you are feeling, but getting it out in the open now matter how the conversation goes will feel better than holding it all inside.

geez 32 and he has already been engaged to someone else for 7 years? he is probably taking this really slow and that is ok. You are still young IMO. I wouldn 't sugggest you propose to him, it works out for some but since we know he has proposed in the past we know he has it in him to propose when he is ready.

Totally agree. There are plenty of issues that come up after marriage- its important that whatever the issue, you feel like you can both talk about it honestly and seriously, no having to dance around the topic.

Well, thank you everyone for your advice/opinions.

Here's an update:

I've been trying to work up the courage to just come out with it. I've made dinner for us three times since I posted this with the intention of discussing it but it never happened.

I get so off track during talking that I forget what I want to say. So I composed a long, light hearted but honest letter and emailed it to him this morning. It included everything from what I'm looking for with him and our relationship down to what I wanted in a ring. I know that some of you would say that I should have talked to him face to face but I was so worked up that I don't feel like I could have articulated my feelings properly.

Anyway, I ended the email with "This is not intended to put pressure on you, nor is it an ultimatium. Just respond with a simply smiley face that you read this." (Because he's the type that stews over information for a LONG time so I wanted him to have plenty of time to respond.)

About twenty minutes later, I received this response via text message (unfortunately, we can't talk on the phone at work):

"You are my gem, my diamond, my inspiration and my heart beat. Of course, I also envision us old and gray together, drinking wine, making sure we've taken our meds, complimenting each other on how good we still look...even though we look have sagging butts. Anything you want, I want you to have. I'd take forever deciding for you so let's get you your dream ring."

I had included a link in the email about my dream ring going on sale at moissaniteco and he went head and GOT IT! TODAY! He's going to plan a proposal and all once the ring comes in but I was floored.

Thank you to everyone who gave me the confidence to step up and say what I want. I never would have guessed his reaction!

Akkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!

I am so thrilled for you!!
What a sweetie pie!!
Sagging butts..lol!!

I find that I do better writing letters also,...that way I can get it all down without getting flustered.

This also works better for my teen daughter,..so things dont get riled up!

I am so thrilled for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
congratulations!!!

Well that could not have gone better!! See, there is no place for fear in a healthy relationship.

Congratulations!!

What a nice happy ending!!!!!

congratulations! his response sounds as if it was spoken by my own husband (of 13 years) I'm very excited for you. I bet you both have a very excited, perhaps teary eyed talk about what you want in life tonight I loved those talks ...

May your life together be a long and happy one!

That is one awesome conversation! Congrats to both of you! Pictures of the dream ring are mandatory! Looking forward to it.

Love that!
And, I would tell you that it doesn't matter if your best way of clearly communicating together is written, texted, drawn, hallmark cards, face to face or a combination. What matters is that you CAN communicate clearly with each other, and IMHO that's the basis for a solid, lasting relationship.

How romantic! He sounds like a dream! I'm glad that it has worked out so well for you. Congratulations and be happy.
:--)))))

P.S. I don't know what he's talking about. I'm 54 years old and still don't have a saggy butt. Everything else is saggy though.

Congrats on your happy ending! And we love pictured around here,hint,hint

Oh my goodness, how beautiful!! What a sweet and happy ending (or beginning? ) for you guys!

Show us which ring it was!!!!

Aww congrats!!

Aww, YAY for you, congratulations (:

+1

And congrats, that's a very sweet ending to this chapter!!!!! Looking forward to seeing your dream ring.

I am so happy for you & your future hubby

Picks are mandatory of the ring you sent a link to

How awesome!!


We do better texting as well! I don't know sometimes reading and thinking before you respond goes better than face to face and real time.

Im so happy for you! Maybe I missed it but where's the linky for us to drool over your ring too?

Thank you everyone!

So the plot thickens..

We're finally able to speak on the phone yesterday and he basically says that he was under the impression that this ring was just a present not engagement ring.

I was like.........what? The whole email and text referenced marriage. How could you come to that conclusion?
Needless to say I got upset and we kept talking and i suggested cancelling the order if it was a mistake and he said no, keep the order and maybe I could just use it later? I was like what? He was just bouncing all over the place! Like he started asking me why I loved the ring and how long I saw our engagement being. I got off the phone and called my best friend who immediately said "He's trying to throw you off so he can surprise you!" She is convinced he sat around for 6 hours concocting a plan. I'm still a little wary. Do y'all think he's just throwing me off?

Heres the ring: amora 6mm
http://www.moissaniteco.com/legacy-cushion-moissanite-engagement-ring-p-8617.html

I suggest having a face to face honest conversation about what you both see for the furture. I understand you are more comfortable writing your feelings down, but this is one of those talks that has to be face to face.

I think you should be able to discuss what each person wants for their future and what you want in your relationship openly without fear. It does not have to be an ultimatum, or anything like that.

You deserve to know if you both are on the same page.

Yes, definitely. We plan on that tomorrow night. During the call, he did say that of course he wants marriage/kids and then changed the subject. Im 95% sure he's trying to throw me off. Its just that dang 5% that makes me question myself.

I have no clue, but I would say you need toleave it alone, and enjoy your relationship with him as it is. He obvisouly knows what you want, but if he isn't ready, he isn't ready. You made your point in the initial email and he wanted to give you a present. That is nice and kind and sweet, so I would wear it in my right hand and enjoy my present. I am a firm believer that if he wants to, he will. Not all men want to discuss these things, and that does not mean he doesn't love you or want to marry you ONE DAY... Maybe it just means he doesn't want to now, or maybe he does want to control it and do it on his terms and be more traditional. Either way, I think you should just enjoy what you have with him, until you can't anymore.

my opinion and advice.....come right out and ask him. When I met my husband I was going to give him a year, and then if he didn't ask me to marry him I was just going to come out and ask him point blank what he wanted in his future...in my opinion...2 years is long enough to know if you want to be with someone forever or not, and if he's not sure now, I would move on. Just my opinion.
Good luck!

Thanks! Yeah, Im not insanely concerned. He did express that we want the same thing though a time frame wasnt discussed. He asked how I saw it going in my head and I said "Well you can keep the ring until you are ready whether it be a month or 6 months I dont care..then we can do a standard yearish engagement." He seemed to like that answer. So we'll see. Im glad its out in the open and we're planning on discussing it more.

This is my most honest opinion and it is truly from the heart. I wouldn't make light of the situation. This is when you need to have a serious heart to heart. Marriage may not be important to him because some people don't need a piece of paper to define their relationship. However, if you want to get married, he should be willing to make u happy and marry you. This shows his love for you. You have to tell your guy what you want directly. This is your life and happiness. Also, if you are a traditional person who wants to be asked, don't ask him, this will only set hard feelings later. Now with that said, you have to be prepared for his response because you may not get the response u want. I hope this helps. Remember this is your life and happiness don't be afraid to say what u want.

If he is just toying with you then that seems very cruel even if his intent is to surprise you. This is important enough to you that you ask a bunch of strangers for their advice so you need to muster up a bit more courage and ask him if he truly does intend to propose in the next 6 months (the outside time you mentioned). Let him know how this is making you feel, that it wasn't easy for you to bring up at all and if he's still playing around you want to know!! If he does intend to propose then you can still be surprised at the timing and substance of the proposal but you can be at peace in the meantime too.

Anticipating a proposal is supposed to a fun kind of anticipation, not upsetting.

I have a feeling he really just wants to TRY to surprise you.
Why dont you give it some time,..like WAIT till he has the ring for a week or so,..and see what he does.

Was this a ready made ring??? Which would come sooner.

Then if nothing happens,..have a serious talk with him.

But my instinct is that he really wants to try to have a surprise element here and do something special for you.
Especially for what he wrote back to you......

Give a little time.

I think women spend a lot of time trying to figure out what men are thinking, doing, what's motivating them, and I think men don't really spend a whole lot of time with any of that. So my personal practice is to assume what my guy is saying is pretty much what he means.
If you REALLY think he's trying to be vague so he can surprise you, then wait. But if (as I personally think is more likely) he has told you where he's at, then you have to decide how long you are willing to be in limbo. And, at some point, you'll need to communicate that to him.

Just a quick update-

That weekend we had a more in depth talk. He actually initated the conversation and he ended it with an enthusiastic "Let's do this!"

We went on vacation this weekend with his family and as I was floating around the pool, I see him talking in depth with them, pulling up something on his phone, etc. His sister came up to me later and said that he said "She's my forever" and had secretly done all his own research on moissy, and showed them the ring.

We talked more about it last night just in general stuff like how much does he want to be involved in the wedding planning. He did admit that he didn't like the ring, so we changed it after looking at my other favorites. So, all in all we've worked everything out and I'm super happy. Thank you for all your advice!

Glad to hear it! Yay for clear communication! And yay for sparkle-plotting!