Thank you girls! I think partly my problem is I want the notebook type of relationship. There are many things I know what I want out of a mate, and my BF meets most of them. I think part of his problem is he is used to being single and only caring about himself. He doesn't have kids and I do from my first marriage, and he is adapting well, but still had lots of room to improve. I, myself, used to be very confident in our relationship, but recently he makes me feel a bit insecure about it. Partly because facebook is the devil ( especially for old flames to be lurking) and he lied about a girl he may or may not have had a thing with when we broke up for like 3 weeks a couple years ago. She has been in and out of his life. I asked him please do not talk to her. He sees it as Im trying to control him, and I see it as if he is happy with our life why does he need attention from her. My first husband was in love with his cell phone and texting and the bimbo he was seeing then me, so this whole feeling could just be because of my ex husband and not really my new relationship. If that makes sense.

Thats a little more to the whole things, as for what Ive decided to do: I am still going to wearing my ering (when its done). Im still going to be Ms housewife, and just plan slower. lol Also, he comes home from work, pays the bills, lets me go to school, pays for daycare, all the kids sports, so in reality, why should I care if he texts an ex. Right?

Since you asked (kind of) here is my take on the whole texting, talking, seeing (in the friendly sense no hanky panky) an ex or "another" woman. While I realize you have had a bad experience in the past and that may be affecting the present, I have to ask, do you trust your fiancee? If you do, stop worrying! If you don't, maybe there are some issues to work on.

I for one could care less what my hubby does. I joke all the time that he could work naked in a mattress factory with 20 women who are also naked and I still wouldn't care but it's the truth. I trust him 100% and have never questioned anything he does. It really takes all you have to trust someone at that level but the rewards of having a relationship with your partner based on that kind of trust are incredible!

Trust yourself, that gut feeling, that second guessing, the doubt...the whatever you want to call that thing, that pesky gut feeling that is telling you to stop - danger ahead, or slowdown - there's a bend in the road, and it's slippery when wet. Proceed with caution and slowdown. Slowdown until you are 100% sure it's right.

From what you said I get this guy brings security? If that's enough for you to marry him, and it's enough to make up for any shortcomings, then that's got to be enough for you to stay married to him and be content with. If you are wanting something out of a marriage that isn't there now don't expect it to be there later, or expect some things to go away that are there now.

Good luck to you!!

P.S. If something bothers you then it matters. He should care more about your feelings and how secure you feel in the relationship than his freedom to conduct himself like an immature douche by texting Exes when he has a new/current woman in his life. You deserve his full attention. I see him texting his exes as away to tether himself to the past. How can he do that and simultaneously walk into a future with you completely?

If you're in doubt...don't. My first marriage ended after 5 years and I can honestly say I was thinking about not going through with it...I should have listened to myself.
I'm married again and had no doubts before I got married this time...we just celebrated our 6th anniversary. Trust your gut instinct.

The little voice inside of you knows that something isn't right. Your intuition is ALWAYS on your side. The challenge is to understand the little mumble-mouthed monster and figure out what it's telling you.

Is it your own insecurities because you've been betrayed before? Betrayal changes who you are in fundamental ways, like nothing else can. Nothing. It means that for the rest of your life you don't have the luxury of simply trusting. Trust becomes a decision that's loaded with a hyper-awareness of risk. If someone has never been through this, they can't understand how big and how permanent it is, and how strong you have to be to put yourself on the line again.

Or is it his unwillingness to take responsibility and put your relationship first? If he has lied to you about this other woman in the past, she will always be a point of contention and fear for you, and a reminder to him of his own disrespectful and immature behavior. Ask him to consider what he would lose if he gave her up (a true friend? a back up? his ego? control?), and if that's more important to him than your relationship together.

Give yourself time to find your answers. There's no alarm set for next week and you don't have to give anything up while you figure it out. My hope for you is that you can figure it out together, and that in the end neither of you feels like you had to give up a piece of yourself in order to be "good enough." There's a big difference between mutuality and bargaining -- one is about equality and giving, but the other is about trading at a cost.

+1

"If someone has never been through this, they can't understand how big and how permanent it is, and how strong you have to be to put yourself on the line again."

I agree with everything Hadley wrote, especially this.

I agree with trusting your instincts. I was also married before, I was literally singing the Runaway Bride song as I was getting ready to walk down the aisle!! We only lasted 7.5 years before he went back to his ex wife.

My fiance John is somewhat the same as your FH, never married, no children of his own, also taking on my girls and I. I know that John has gone through a major upheaval in his life getting accustomed to family life. It takes work, lots of it.

We have also been through the issue of him texting a past girlfriend. The first girliend and love of his life. He would actually talk of her often without realizing it. It made me insane. We have had two instances where I have found messages on Facebook between them. The second time months after he promised he wouldnt talk to her again. He honestly didnt understand why it hurt me to my core when I would find him talking to her again. He has never been through the betrayal I have. He has never had a marriage or that deep level of commitment. I had to explain to him what I needed from him, based on where I am coming from because of my past. But I also drew a line. I also made it very clear what I am willing to accept and what I am not. I believe boundaries are important, there is nothing wrong with putting out there what is a deal breaker for you. After he & I had this discussion, things have never been better! He finally understood.

Only you can decide what your boundaries are, what is important in the long run for you and your happiness. Just know you deserve to be with someone who you do not have to worry about for one second! ((Hugs))

Firstly, I don't think it is fair for you to feel as though he should be able to talk to his ex because he is affording you security. You deserve someone who understands your limitations and boundries and doesn't make you feel like you need to accept his disrespect because he is helping you out.

I trust my BF very very very much. While I've never been cheated on, I saw my Dad get cheated on by every single woman he ever loved (my sisters mom, my mom, his third wife, girl friends along the way). It shaped me a lot, and it made it hard for me to trust people. I was lied to about so many things growing up. & Hadley is right, it shapes you and makes you less tolerant than some people who've never experienced dishonesty before.

I made it clear to my BF that he is not to (in any way, shape, or form) to communicate with any of his ex's. He is more than welcome to have female friends, and I'm am not the jealous type toward that. But I see the ex issue as one of respect. It is obvious that there was once chemistry between them and because of that, on principal, he shouldn't have anything to do with them.

I feel that if he can't 100% be honest with you, and abide by your limitations, then he doesn't deserve you. But remember, that door swings both ways and any of your expectations of him you must also be willing to abide by.

wow. i'm glad my husband knows better than to try and tell me not to talk to any of my exes - some of them are my very dearest friends in the whole world. hardly a week goes by that i don't talk - or email or message - with a couple of them.

but they're my exes for a reason. we're friends, and that's all it is.

+1