My motto tends to be, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail or proper preparation is essential for desired results. My husbands motto is meh, whatever!

Im the type of person that hates surprises, "not knowing" and it drives me bonkers to not know what Im doing weeks ahead of time. While this sounds extreme, I do know its a bit nutty and that everything can't be perfect. I'd be happy with a loose plan of sorts. For example by Sunday, having a mini map of what's coming that week. Im ok with last minute changes and am pretty flexible. Hubby on the other hand won't tell me or figure out what he's doing till sometimes hours before! It's really really wearing on me after a yr and a half and driving me insane!

Has anyone else encountered this? Anyone have any tips for blending my need to plan with his chaos method of living?

It's funny because I JUST saw this as I was talking to my hubby about this exact topic. I'm not as extreme a planner as you, but I like things to be *in order*. He just surprised me with a trip at a really bad time and honestly, it wasn't very well thought out because I have to scramble to get everything together now and do a bunch of things...tickets to a concert I absolutely have to attend go on sale tomorrow, when we are leaving. Today I spent extra money getting the tickets from a scalper who got them on presale just to avoid the stress of dealing with it tomorrow and delaying the trip. There are other things I have to straighten out and laundry to do, it's just frustrating. It would be different if it was "Honey, we're leaving tomorrow, and EVERYTHING is taken care of!". I'm definitely more detail oriented and I wish for once that I could sit back and not worry, but I feel like I'm constantly on alert about things. Sucks but I don't really know how to change it!

elf, maybe a way for you and your hubby to compromise would be for him to give you some ideas of things he's generally thinking of doing sometime that week as opposed to planning when specific things will happen? That could give you some planning-related info knowing what some likely possibilities for activities/events are, but he could avoid setting things in stone until later.

My in-laws are wonderful, but they are very spontaneous compared to me (I'm more of a planner just like y'all). Every time we visit them or go on a trip, I have to take a deep breath and just try to shift into a different mode entirely. It helps when I try to avoid expecting any one outcome from the time I spend with them, so I'm ready to roll with the punches. But if it's your whole life and not just a few days every 6-12 months, that's kind of a different story.

I'm not sure if I can help you elf, as I believe I am an extreme version of your husband but maybe I can shed light on what goes through our minds (well, my mind at least).

I like to make up my mind on what I'm doing just before leaving and I demand flexibility in my schedule. For things where I need to look particularly great I would at least like to know 2 hours in advance/have that flexibility so that I can look presentable. In my eyes, there are only a few things that matter enough to be planned weeks in advance. That is my motto at least and I don't see the point in stressing over details that in the long run don't matter. I deal with enough stress and planning daily due to my career and don't need the hassles of being asked repeatedly to plan where we are going to dinner or what we are doing this weekend. Anything I was thinking about doing that day when plans arise can be done tomorrow.... because if it was really that urgent I would have done it already.


The only person I know who this bothers is my mother.. and when she harps on me to give her a plan I extend my "not giving plans." Someday I will teach her my ways..... but she relies heavily on the security of planning. With partners I find that they are more than pleased to have this sort of attitude as many men seem to be the same way - that could be because I only date those who are "go with the flow" kind of people. Don't get me wrong - I have no problem with plans - I like to know when I need to schedule in a vacation and things like that but I rarely ever stress over almost anything that isn't health related.

Anyway... I hope I shed a little light on why some people may choose not to be "planners" and maybe inspired you to plan a little less... haha.

+ 1,00000%

I am super non-planner and it works very well for me personally. My FI is bothered by it sometimes because he likes to have things at least tentatively mapped out. I just can't get behind planning much of ANYTHING in advance (umm, I would literally elope if he was okay with that just to avoid the stress of planning a wedding. true story.).

I think it all comes down to balancing it out. Sometimes I have to plan stuff because I know it means something to him (like a big wedding), and sometimes he just has to "get off my back" about planning little things.

If neither person is willing to give a little, it becomes a serious impasse.

Perhaps you should sit down with your husband and discuss the things that you are willing to go with the flow on (example: I'll be okay with not picking weekend plans until thursday; or I'll be okay deciding on dinner that morning rather than planning meals a week in advance) and ask him what he is willing to actually plan out (like not springing on you that he wants to have a boys night out the day of).

Those are really good suggestions, Kat! Definitely if you can, compromise for the both of you could be great. You could learn from each other how to be more go with the flow and he can learn how to plan better. I couldn't imagine being with someone who has a different planning style than me so it must be frustrating. I hope that you guys can figure out something that works for you and that others will have even more ideas!

I have to admit when I saw I was quoted I was like "oh boy, I'm going to get flamed" :P Kat I would love to elope as well someday! I can't imagine planning a wedding!

My hubby is an extreme planner. I plan nothing... I drive him crazy because I constantly do things last minute and forget important things. Anytime we go on vacation I forget something major like toothpaste or a hair dryer.. I just can't seem to plan for anything.

When we got married,we eloped and he planned the whole thing. I basically just had to show up and go along for the ride. I actually like this arrangement because it allows me to have little to no thought process. My job is pretty stressful and I like not to have to think much outside of work.

It's not fun for the planner to finally get to the vacation destination and then have to find some place to buy toothpaste and a hairdryer. It makes them feel like their planning wasn't appreciated, like their time and effort is not valued.

It feels like torture for a non-planner to have to think about minutia weeks ahead of time. Do I really need to decide today if we are going to eat meatloaf or chicken next Tuesday? It somehow makes each moment seem less significant.


Marrying someone with opposite traits gives us a chance to expand and grow ourselves. Planners have the opportunity to learn to chill a little and non-planners can learn to appreciate the stability that even a simple plan (or basic vacation packing list, lol) can offer. Instead of looking at it as a conflict, consider it an opportunity!!

+1

I've observed that it's rare that two non-planners marry (or are partnered), or that two planners marry. LOL! It's usually one of each. All the better to learn...

My DH is an obsessive planner although he's mellowed. He has daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, 5-year, 10-year, etc., plans. I, on the other hand, am pretty much a go-with-the-flow kinda gal for the most part. I have learned though, to make plans for certain things and voila! It is quite interesting to see how life unfolds according to The Plan. Sometimes, it just doesn't—we can make a plan then life goes sideways. That stresses DH out, and does not stress me out.

My parents are wicked about making decisions while "the kids" are home. Example:
Me: Mom, what would you and Dad like to do today?
Mom: Well, anything, dear. Anything that you kids would like to do.
Dad: Whatever makes you happy.
Me: Do you want to go to visit _____?
Mom: Whatever you'd like.
Me: When would you like to go?
Mom: Whenever suits you, dear.

All this above talking goes on, yet no decisions get made. One visit, my DH was getting super-stressed about sitting around waiting for a decision to be made. After pretty much a day went by with the aforementioned nonsensical conversation, DH took me aside and said, "You know, it's okay if we sit around and do nothing, as long as we *plan* to sit around and do nothing." I confess that I burst out laughing! That comment has been a standard joke between us, ever since. LOL!

Between the two of them, my mom is a total list-maker! She has lists for everything and everyone. I suspect that's partially why I was so reluctant to make lists.

His folks? Many, many, many lists of things to do each day, with little "tick boxes" to check off the things that were accomplished that day.

Somehow, I like to think there's a happy medium in there somewhere. After nearly 20 years' marriage, we are pretty much there. I've learned to plan, (a bit) and DH has learned to chill. A bit. LOL!

LMAO! I can totally see myself saying something like that! I am not a really obsessive planner like some people, but I am somewhat of one, and it does make me anxious when I don't have a plan for certain things, or feel uncertain about what will happen. I definitely don't have weekly/monthly/yearly plans, but I like to be prepared for things, and do lots of background research and such. Then at least I feel like I have something going on in the background rather than feeling totally unprepared for what comes along.

My husband is pretty laid back and doesn't plan. It makes me very anxious sometimes. And he does often make spur-of-the-moment plans with friends, and that bothers me when, say, I had a notion in my head that we were just going to be spending the evening in. I get all butt-hurt that he's "leaving me" all of a sudden. It's pretty irrational and at least I can usually recognize it and try to control my reactions. I am a creature of habit, and anything outside the routine can throw me for a loop. I try to be more spontaneous sometimes though.